Early in 2008 I had the idea to create a screenplay based on H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos that wasn't like the rest. Most simply adapt Lovecraft's stories or are just horror films using various elements from them. I wanted to leave the cosmic horror behind and create a story that was more of a personal and character-based drama, though still having its roots in the Mythos. And so was born, Tainted...
Beginnings...
The screenplay began small. I wanted to write something that could be made on a shoe-string budget because I thought that some independent film-maker would be more likely to pick it up if they saw it was affordable. It had just two main cast, and only one or two supporting, and was set in only a handful of easily-found locations. There were no effects shots at all, though it did require some minor make-up effects. Everything seemed OK until I gave it to a few people to read and they had no idea why certain things were happening. It was only then that I realised I'd written it solely for Mythos-familiar Lovecraft fans. It made no sense to the rest of the world. So I decided to add a prologue.
Prologue...
I wrote a whole introductory scene for the screenplay that explained the necessary missing details, but in doing so, had added a handful of extra cast and the need for a boat, which I'm sure would pump up the budget considerably. Regardless, I handed it back out and everyone loved it... except me. I didn't like the intro. It seemed clunky and hammy. However, despite my dislike for it, I had no better ideas, so just left it. All 30 pages.
Coming Back...
It wasn't until over a year later that I came up with a new and improved intro. I'd given up on the idea of anyone ever wanting to make it, so just thought I'd create it with no considerations of budget. I was still sticking with my initial concept of a character-based drama, but I now thought I'd spice it up a little. I scrapped the whole intro and re-wrote a new one, which now included a life-sized Deep One costume! The budget was now most certainly out the door. However, I finally had an intro I was happy with. I had to make a few other minor changes for this new intro to tie-in, and in doing so, ended up changing a few scenes I also wasn't that happy with, and eventually ended up with the resulting 44-pages. Now this in itself proved a problem because short films are generally less than 30 pages and feature-length films are at least 80... so mine, with its 44 pages, was in film limbo. Despite this, I handed it back out to a few people and they all came back with very positive comments. So not only was I now happy with the new story, but it seemed everyone else was too.
Note: If you're interested in reading the screenplay at this stage of writing, it can be found here, on Google Docs.
The Director's Cut...
Despite the fact that I had resigned myself to the fact that this screenplay would never be made, it irked me that it didn't fit into a specific length category. I knew I wouldn't be able to trim it down, so I decided to aim for a feature. I didn't want to re-write the whole thing, so I drew up a timeline of events to see what I could see. It turned out that there were three rather large gaps in time that I had not included. They were alluded to in other scenes, but the "viewer" would never see them. I decided that these would be my best shot at extending the screenplay so I jotted down what would have been happening during the missing time. I've currently written in the middle gap, but have yet to finish off the other two. I'm hoping I can scrape in 80 pages once I'm through.
Synopsis...
In case anyone is reading this and is curious what the screenplay is about, I'll give a brief run-down...
16 YEARS AGO - Two men walking along a beach on their way back from a night's fishing when they stumble upon an apparently dead Deep One. They debate what to do with the creature and decide to take it home and figure it out in the morning. As you expect, the creature wakes up, killing the two men, but leaving the wife of one of the men unconscious. She wakes up in a hospital and is later informed that she in pregnant. She is elated as her and her husband had been trying to a child for some time.
CURRENT DAY - A teenage girl meets up with a boy and they walk down to a nearby abandoned church. They ring its bell for fun and then head home. On the way they discover a black goo in the water. The next day the girl is having her birthday party when she falls ill. I escalates the next night and she is rushed to hospital. She escapes the hospital however and returns to her friend who looks after her. She quickly starts changing - skin turning bluish, eyes un-blinking, teeth falling out - and runs away. The boy tracks her down to the beach where it is revealed that she has turned into a Deep One herself!
Appendix...
The teenage boy and girl in the story are the main characters and their personal tragedy provides the framework for the whole story so I just thought I'd provide a little appendix, as it were, to describe and show you how I envision these two characters if you choose to (or have already) read the linked screenplay:
Marina:
She is one of the "popular" girls at school and despite her and Charlie's differences, the fact that she has known Charlie most of her life means that they are still best of friends.
Charlie:
Charlie is a bit of a loner and knows that if he hadn't known Marina for so long, they would otherwise have not have been friends.
I gotta say, I absolutely love the title. It's a bit of a great horror title to draw me in, almost has an 80's feel to it, old school Cronenberg, Rabid style.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading a bit of the screenplay now and I will give you some notes, if you don't mind.
You need to flesh out the characters at the start, it'll give you extra pages and it'll also give the audience a better understanding of where they are and who exactly they are seeing. Have Alex getting his gear at home and kissing his wife good bye, have him quietly getting into Mike's car. Set a larger scene before we get into them fishing. Direct that a car should be coming round the lake, we want to see the area that they are in, build the wilderness into your script.
They seem to just grab the creature too quickly, I'd like to see more character developed discussion about what they should do. Really sell that Alex wants to take it and Mike doesn't, show their different backgrounds in the dialogue, have some conflict and also give the audience a chance to put themselves in the shoes of the two guys, what would they do?
I think Alex and Mike should get the creature home and then discuss it all some more, in another room.
I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but have the monster wake and stay with it, watch it explore where it is, give it some emotion, some character time, have it look outside at the moon, but it is locked inside the house. Otherwise, it just feels like any other slasher monster in the dark, make this one different. It's not completely malevolent, it's just a creature trapped in a situation it knows nothing about and does not want to be in.
I'm not sure about the baby news coming straight away. I think it could be much sadder if it came a month later, after we see her trying to get on with her life. Also, should the police question her, what would she say, what would be the conclusion.
I love the dream sequence.
You need to show that time has gone past, show it to the viewer, some sort of faded out montage of the missing years, maybe. Something. Maybe some stuff with Marina growing up that shows her connection to the ocean...
The scene between Marina and Charlie and the braces is an absolute cracker. I almost want to say poetic. Very good, leave that as is!
You've got her telling us what's happening with her illness, you should show us instead. Have Charlie watch Marina and notice that she hasn't blinked for quite some time. Have her start vomitting and we see it, then she is pulling some large chunk out of her braces and the whole right side of teeth start to slide out, we watch her have to pull the other half out and then we see the full set with braces clink into the sink, and she is crying and drooling red spit everywhere. Maybe I'm just a gore hound, but that would look good, and surely couldn't be too hard for an FX crew to pull off.
I like that Karen says she thought it was Alex's. It's cool that her first thought goes back to her true love from 16 years ago, I like that.
I think you need a bigger fleshing out of the second act, we need to know why she is turning at this point. Maybe have one of those creatures stumbling across her, perhaps her father, maybe we don't know. Have it stalk her for a little while. Have her more slowly turn. Build it up and string it out, you'll get suspense and more pages.
I hope you don't mind me being honest, and I don't want you to think I only had negatives to say, there's a bunch i like in this script, and I think the whole thing has potential. I'd love to see what you add or change as time goes by, this could easily make it to feature length.
Good luck, and keep us all posted. Cheers.
Thanks. I always love to hear others' comments/criticisms, which is why I let it out in the first place. I do agree that I need to develop people and scenes a bit more. Some others have said the same thing. I think having started as a short, it was a little compressed and I kind of just kept that style going. If I want it to ever make a feature, I'll certainly have to change that.
ReplyDelete